quiet introspection

i was in a perfectly good mood less than 20 minutes ago, laying in my bed watching tv just fine. i got up to check some stuff on the computer before i went to sleep and now i am sitting here writing this because i can't get a few people out of my head. these people these male people are the last few men i had feelings for however fleeting or unwavering. 3 mostly over the last few years 1 was totally unimportant, so much so i probably wont remember his name in a few years the other more important he hurt me and his actions inadvertently caused the 3rd and the one that haunts me the one that makes me crazy because i can't just get over him, because i should have never fallen for him in the first place, because he was bad news from the moment we met and even threw our entire whatever it was i knew he didn't care and never would but i put that out of my mind because he was and is handsome and while we were together he was sweet to me he knew just what to say to me to make me need to stay even though i knew i should run. he took advantage of the fact that he knew i was hurt from the guy before. he made me think he could maybe care if i gave him time, he played me cause i am easy to read and i know it. i wear my emotions right out there for the world to see and those who know how to play me against myself do so. the worst part of all this is i can't even really be mad at him because i knew who he was from the first night we had drinks he told me who he was and what we were and i let him, i let him define me and that was my biggest mistake. and what kills me what really kills me is that i can't hate him because i'm pretty sure i love him and that he is the first person that i have really loved and even though i know there is no part of him that deserves my love, i also know if he asked me right now to try... i would without a second thought. how sad am i?