i wanna be a...

i wanna live in a movie. if i could have any power i would want the ability to jump in and out of stories, plays, movies, t.v. shows all of it, to jump into that world, to live like the characters i have come to love, people who don't truly exist but i wish they did... i would love to be bella for 5 minutes( but book bella not movie bella) or i dunno arwen riding to rescue frodo. i would pay money to be will turner's love interest or to answer the phone saying "empire records, open till midnight this is cristina" i'd even go through the civil war just to wear one of those dresses ( if you read this regularly then you are aware of my affinity for pretty dresses), maybe to live in central park sleeping around and singing about a boy called frank mills and injustice. to try and outsmart jareth and save toby or randomly break into song with my h.s. friends, how about spending my days in an amsterdam hash bar contemplating "the real", i mean who wouldn't want to spend an afternoon running through an enchanted forest with fairies playing tricks on you or casting spells in h.s. instead of taking math or p.e. it would be awesome to hang out on the bellafonte. or even being stalked by a disfigured serial killer music coach because he loves my voice (yah know for the adventure of it all) and i would love love love to spend eternity trying to make louie happy again. i guess i'll have to just reread and re-watch and dream about worlds far more interesting than my own. but at least now thanks to disney i  can at least visit one world in real life!

it's stupid and unfair !!!

so i woke up this morning in a unusually happy mood and it took me nearly an hour to figure out why, and once i did, that put me in a whole different kind of mood, not so much a "bad" mood but i guess i'd say perturbed. the reason i had been happy was i had a really great dream last night, the kind of dream where everything you want in real life comes true, all your desires both secret and not have magically come to pass... but it came true with the wrong person, i have spent a looooong time trying to get this person out of my head and while i can usually convince myself that i'm over it while i'm awake and lucid, when i shut my eyes, its a whole different story. he invades my dreams, gives me everything i think i want and then morning comes and its ripped away. so here comes the question... how do you get over someone completely, or how do you know if you should hold on to hope, even if there is only one in a million chance it will ever work out. i read a quote somewhere once that said " never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about" so what to do? there is another quote i have heard that i think applies " no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse. letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again." and that is the truest thing i've ever heard. i have this unrealistic notion of what love is supposed to be, i'm pretty sure it started from all the disney movies i used to watch until i sorta flipped it on it's side and that i blame all the  many many many television shows and movies that i tend to be drawn to, now while i had and sometimes still do have these fantasies about my "prince charming" my dreams where always quite darker than anything ever produced by the mouse. let's just say there was never a white horse or needing to be saved from an evil queen, it was more tragic and dramatic, intense and heartbreaking... it had to hurt to be true, along the lines of, well...my favorite show from when i was 11 was Buffy, my favorite shakespeare r&j,  i think that explains it all.

shattered dreams

so my world was shattered today, utterly and completely. my aunts are in from nyc and today we were enjoying the florida sun, sitting in the pool drinking pitchers of mojitos when my drunk grandmother lets slip a secret about my parents that i would do anything not to now know. i had this vision of them that is lost to me now, i feel like i was robed of my last bit of innocence, the part of me that believed i could find true unconditional amazing love because my parents had it. but no that's gone and i'm broken, maybe it was naive of me to hold on to this fairytale version of love that i had grown up with, but i needed it and now i don't know what to do...

achy

i have this achy feeling in the bottom of my stomach that i can't get rid of, its a mixture of loneliness + that feeling you get when you're a kid and you know you're gonna get in trouble + ? something else i can't quite verbalize let alone write or should i say type...i wonder if anyone reads this? i don't think so, no one cares. this odd feeling has been with me for months now, i can push it away for periods of time like a day or two but then it come back. it has led me to listen to the same song on repeat for like 3 days { like a star by corinne bailey rae} its strange, not the song that actually pretty, but the unending desire to listen to it continuously. i should go to sleep i have to be awake in 5 hours {that's 4am people} to go to work, fun times! but i don't wanna sleep. i really like this picture of me, i took it with my i sight camera on my laptop before it died. i like it because well 1) it doesn't look like me and b) it conveys melancholy which is an emotion i tend to live in. i even like that its grainy. i can't stop thinking about people who are no longer in my life, former friends and "special" friends etc. people who i wish i would just let go but cant seem to figure how to. it's a complicated feeling to both never want to see someone again but to also want so badly to talk to them you cant explain it. to worry about people who probably never ever thought or worried about you, even when you were apart of there lives. totally switching topics, now this may make me sound dumb but i don't care i can not remember ever which version of the word "there" i am supposed to use for sentences. also i can not for the life of me remember how to do long division...

rules

so i'm kinda disappointed, i met this guy at my job and thought he was cute. he didn't talk much so it took me a little time to get some info on him. now just so this makes sense i have some rules that go into me approaching a guy...

1. i would like him to be taller than me, but he has to at least be able to look me in the eye. i don't wanna have to bend to kiss him.
2. he has to be old enough to enter a bar, i tend to like them older than me but my age is ok.
3. i would like him to be outgoing, someone who likes to talk cause i love to talk and i don't wanna be having a one way conversation. (though this isn't as important as 1 and 2)

 i occasionally will overlook a rule maybe 2 if the situation warrants it but i can't do all 3. so the boy, he's short not like midget short but shorter than me and not exactly look me in the eye more like look me in the lip maybe nose. but i let it go cause i'm new here and he's just adorable. then there is the fact that he kinda has a silly name but that's not his fault so i overlooked it and actually came to think it was kinda cute. (he's named after a famous rock star from the 60's.) and then there is the fact that he doesn't talk much but that could be because we just met and he has to open up so again i overlooked it. but then i find out he's only 19, and that was it, i overlooked a lot here but that's the deal breaker. i can't do it i can't. so i'm back to square one.

behind the yellow door

i have a reoccurring dream, i have been having this same dream almost every year since 2001.  in the dream i am at home and i receive an invitation in the mail to a mental institution on randalls island in nyc. {i have no idea it's actual name i just remember always seeing the 3 big yellow buildings as we drove down the fdr.}  so anyway i get this invite to some meeting, it doesn't bother me or even concern me that this very vague letter wants me to go somewhere. i just decide with out much thought to go. so i travel to the institution with some random people i attended high school with and when we arrive we enter this really bright, extremely large high ceiling-ed room full of four poster canopy beds rows and rows of them all with white linens. there must have been hundreds and all of the beds were occupied by life size white statues of people. some were in the beds other just near them but the was a statue for each bed. i the far corner of the room was the only other living person a woman behind a desk sorting through papers, we headed toward her weaving our way through the aisles. we we finally reached her, i explained about the letter and she sent us through a door behind her, she instructed me to take the elevator to the bottom floor, alone. when we the next room was quite darker than the last and smaller lit by candles, also it was round. in the center of the room was a cylindrical cage elevator and a bench. i left my "friends" on the bench and took the elevator down. when i reached the bottom all i saw was a brightly lit hallway that appeared to be endless and lined with many many doors, all with brass knockers and numbered {but not in order}.  i looked at my letter and saw the number at the top and began looking for its corresponding door. eventually i found it, it was a yellow door with chipping paint that was hanging from it's hinges, barley even attached to the frame, though i was unable to see inside. so i knocked and a voice said come in. when i opened the door i was blinded by a wash of sunlight so bright i couldn't see anything for a moment, then it cleared and i was able to see a room filled with brightly colored furniture, oranges and greens and yellows {it looked like ikea exploded} and a man sitting facing both me and a high backed chair that was facing away from me, i knew someone was there in the tall chair though i couldn't see them at all. the man who appeared to be a doctor, a therapist i think, {he had a note pad an had been writing things down} welcomed me and then sort of just disappeared cause i didn't see him again. i stood there for sometime waiting for something to happen, when the tall chair began to spin toward me and i finally saw the person sitting in it. it was my mom. [so a little back story for those who don't know at the time i first had this dream my mom had been dead for 8 years] so she spins around in the chair and faces me, we stand in silence for a bit just staring at each other, both unable to speak. she is the first to break the silence, and she said as she walked toward me and hugged me "my baby, my little girl, look how beautiful you are." i stand there arms at my side not returning the hug still in shock as she continues to hug me and talk though i have no idea what she was saying. until i snap out of it and pull away to really look at her, she isn't how i remember her when i last saw her right before she "died", she is no longer ridiculously skinny and bald from chemo, but healthy looking and beautiful. i am crying now, hugging her, holding on for dear life. we talk for a bit though i don't know what about, and then comes the point when i get angry. i confront her about where has she been? how did she get here? what happened to her cancer? how could she do this to us? and why is she telling us now? i never got the answers to theses questions. we continued to talk but i again don't know what about. after a while she tells me its time to go,that i had to leave and she wasn't coming with me, that she couldn't. she kissed me goodbye told me she loved me and closed the door. i stood in the hall and stared at the door for a while hoping she would come back out, she didn't. i went home. i told my dad the whole story and he showed me his letter that he had just received, it was just like mine, he also showed me my sisters, and that where the dream ended with him holding both letters and us staring at each other in stunned silence.

i'm done.

so i had this friend, we met in high school and from the moment we met it was like we had always been friends, it was weird. people would ask us how long we'd known each other we'd say months and they'd be shocked cause we grew so close so fast. jump ahead about 3 years later and she has a kid, a beautiful little girl whom i love so much, and our relationship changes, as it should have she was a mother now. so we couldn't spend hours on the phone talking about nothing or not talking at all just being on the phone with each other, cause it's nice to know someone is there even if its only through a phone line. but we persevered and we were still friends maybe better friends cause now our friendship revolved around "real" things and not just our teenage drama anymore. jump ahead almost 2 years and she has another baby, another little girl i cant get enough of. and again the friendship changes, we are drifting apart, she has to focus on her children and i understand so i go the extra mile to pick up the slack and keep the friendship going because she is important to me. but somewhere in all that extra effort i begin to feel unwanted and used and walked on. i do my best to push aside the feeling that i'm not wanted around that i'm annoying her with my presence but eventually it begins to eat at me so i start pulling away, and the fights begin. we fight about real things about stupid things, and then came the point where i couldn't take it anymore and walked away. it's been 6 or 7 months and for the first 5 i was pissed and had no real desire to fix it, i felt and sometimes still feel i shouldn't and won't beg anyone to be my friend, i'm not gonna chase anyone if we are gonna be friends we both have to want to. then one random day about a month and a half ago i get a message from her saying she doesn't know what happened with us and she misses me and love me and wants to talk. we did, it was awkward and uncomfortable but still apart of me that had been silent for a while was so glad to have her back, someone who used to understand me so well, knew how i thought and how i react to things the whole shebang, but it was gone as soon as it came. its been almost 2 months since that talk and though wary i've reached out 3 times and been ignored, so i'm done. i will always be glad for all the fun we had and all the things she helped me through all the jokes and experiences, but i can not and will not let anyone make me feel bad about myself, i do that well enough all by myself i don't need any help. so goodbye nicole, i really will miss you!