?

i have issues, i know most do and mine are no more important or problematic than anyone else but they are mine and therefore in my world the most daunting thing i can imagine or think of and i think of them constantly. one of them is i am worried i'm driving my friends away because i can't deal with my issues so i whine to them about it and i know that they are sick of listening to me, i'm sick of listening to me so why wouldn't they be. i brood and dwell and it's frustrating and i can't even go into the real deep issue that fuels all the other ones because i'm afraid. i'm afraid to tell them how it really is afraid the will leave me that they'll turn away and i couldn't handle that. this past year i lost two friends who i thought would be there forever because they couldn't handle me, i have three left who i depend on and if they left...well it wouldn't be good. i have no one that i am truly honest with for fear what that honesty will bring about. not family or friends and even though i know i'm not alone i feel like it and...

Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpertation of romance day!

happy valentines day everyone! i hate this day, every year i am bitter and angry and jealous of all the happy people, i am that single girl who believes the day should be erased( that is until i'm no longer single anymore and then i am quite sure i will love it). i miss the days of anticipation, of candy and campy little drug store valentines that everyone got and no one got left out. now i feel like locking myself in my room and plotting how i can end the farce of "happiness" i wish i wasn't this way, lets be clear i'm not wishing for a relationship (though it would be nice) i'm wishing for the clarity to not be so bitter to be someone who just accepts my lack of a love life and lives without the anger on this day. its just that it is thrown in your face every store i go in is red and pink and with hearts and teddy bears and cupids and crap every where. so even though this year i actually tried to be less bitter than previous years i was entirely unsuccessful. though 1 high point i had today as i woke was in front of my bedroom door was a gift bag with some chocolates and a cheesy valentine heart and some knickknacks from my grandmother. so i guess that means she was my valentine this year. (is that sad?)

my new leaf

i want to be a new me, i have been working up to this for a long time and i think i've finally hit the point when you just know its time. i am sick and tired of the way i've been living so i am gonna change it. by taking better care of my body and my mind. for the longest time i have been unhappy with my appearance and my emotional state and i am done complaining about it with no follow through to fix it.

things that make me happy just cause...

so this one unimportant day i was walking home and it started to rain, i was walking past a house with a tin over hang above its drive way and i thought "i love the sound of rain on a tin roof" and that thought started this list


~the sound of rain on a tin roof
~the smell of fresh cut grass
~a deserted mountain trail
~an aged wood dock in the middle of a lake
~green nail polish
~instrumental music
~fire flies
~extra strength excedrin
~innovative theatre
~the feel of sand between my toes
~dancing like no one is watching
~chapstick that tingles
~real bloody marys
~people watching
~my a/c
~flip flops
~planes & airports
~gaffers tape
~deep conditioner
~sweedish fish
~tea light candles
~pens with purple ink
~aviator sunglasses
~walking in a storm
~picnics
~pumpkin iced coffee
~manis & pedis
~panties
~ dangly earrings
~elephants & giraffes
~the special tingle
~the sound of waves crashing against rocks
~the smell of summer
~ snuffy the snuffleupagus
~blue front doors
~pennies that only say one cent on back

there's probably more but i'm not sure of them yet !

driving

so i am gonna be learning how to drive soon, and i can not express how excited while at the same time frightened (not for my self but for others) i am. i am a nyc girl born and raised and being such a girl i never had the urge that most teenagers get at age 16...well i did get that urge, but the urge i am refferring to is the urge to drive to bug my father to let me get my permit, to buy me a car. when i was 16 all i wanted was for him to give me train fare. but now i live in fl and it is imperative that i drive and i'm nervous. i mean i can't even walk a straight line, i trip over my own feet and not only do i fall down stairs but up them as well (and that my friends takes a special kind of talent) . i mean it would and may well be great to have that kind of freedom, to own my own car and be able to pick up and go whenever i want. my only thing is though i want it to be purple!

my earliest memory

my earliest memory isn't actually a memory but a dream i had when i was about 3 years old. so in this dream i am running through this endless black void that is empty except for some railroad tracks and a red and yellow caboose that i am desperately chasing, as i am running away from a giant 40 foot lollipop monster. this monster is one of those lollipops you used to get in the doctors office when you were a kid after a shot, the ones that look like poker chips on a white stick and the taste like robitussin. well this one was the red kind and he (i'm assuming it was a he) had evil black eyes and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth, and his arms and legs were like his body, made of the white sticks. so i am running terrified for this caboose because i know if i can make it on i will be safe. but i cant reach it and i just keep running and running i assume forever as i woke up and don't know how it ended.

"out of sight, out of mind"

out of sight, out of mind. is a stupid statement it doesn't work or at least it doesn't for me, maybe because we are fb friends and i'm unable to un-friend you so i keep getting updates! or maybe its because i'm psychotic and delusional and cant let go...yeah it's probably that last one. i wish i could enjoy the memories and not dwell. its time i dont want to worry about people who obviously aren't worried about me, i need to stand up and take charge of my sanity and forget i ever knew you people!