so i haven't written in a while, im not sure why, i'm also not sure why i am writing right now but i am i had the urge i guess. i had an encounter today with this sad horrible little *itch on my way home from work and it got me so mad, it took me like a half hour to calm down and when i did the emotion sorta morphed into something else, into this really odd feeling in my stomach that i cant figure out exactly what it is and haven't been able to shake it. sometimes i have these moments where it sorta like an out of body thing where i get a glimpse of my self threw others eyes and i wonder how they see me and it makes me wonder why the stick around cause im not sure why. and i am not searching for sympathy or for people to tell me how great i am and shit like that cause even if they did i wouldn't believe it anyway i have trust issues, they are weird but... i'll explain i have an issue with trusting too much too easily but then i also don't trust enough. like my friends, on the one hand almost all of them i gave my trust too easily and too early before i knew if they were good people or not but now that we have passed that i don't always trust that they really are my friends i am kinda always waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me, i always have this feeling that i am the butt of some joke that everyone even my best friends are playing on me and that at some point they are gonna let me in on it and inform me that the whole friendship was a joke. its not a fun way to spend your time, waiting for your world to shatter all the time living with the thoughts that everyone leaves and everyone lies.
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