date? what's a date?

i've never had a real first date or a "date" in general, i mean i've gone to get drinks with people but i mean one of those you pick me up, i don't know where we are going, getting to know you convos, you drop me off, possibly awkward possibly awesome kiss at my front door yah know?
i feel like i missed out on like typical growing up things, i mean i spent my whole childhood watching television shows and movies about high school and i couldn't wait to go, i wanted to take home ec and i wanted to go to pep rallies and bonfires, dances in the school gym [sadie hawkins and what not] but that stuff just doesn't happen in nyc schools i mean we had dances but i can only remember 1 it was in the cafeteria and unless you had a boyfriend no one had dates. i want someone to plan something for m, i don't necessarily need our interaction to go beyond the date but just somebody to want to plan an evening would be nice.  someone take me on a date!!!!!!

gLeek

so unless you've been living under a rock you should know the fox show gLee it is amazing and i would love to live in a world like this, now let me clarify i would not like to be in high school again especially one where everybody hates me but i would be ecstatic if my world were a musical! now i can't sing to save my life, nor do i really wish to but i do have the urge to... on occasion break into  song to express my hurt, anger and sadness and even my happy moods. if life where a musical i'm pretty sure it would be one with an unhappy ending. but that's besides the point, the point is i have no idea what the point is. all i know is i wanna sing  songs that narrate my life, and i wanna have giant spontaneous choreographed dance numbers.

ducks and lady bugs.

if i were a bird i'd wanna be a duck, if i were a bug i'd wanna be a lady bug. so...random statement i know, but it is what it is, and i really like ducks. this whole thing came across because having lived in new york city all my life the only birds i'm used to seeing on a daily basis are pigeons and sparrows also on occasion a seagull or two and sometimes and i mean sometimes cause i've only actually seen about 5 or 6 of them, them being falcons/hawks (i can't tell the difference) so anyway now as you might know i live in florida and in florida there are birds aplenty! i must have seen like 20 or 30 different types of birds already, today i saw a crane as i was leaving work stalking a gecko across the mall parking lot. and side note there are like no pigeons in florida i have been here almost 6 months and have only seen 1 and not a single sparrow, another side note when i was little i was convinced that sparrows were pigeon babies, and no one could convince me otherwise. but back to ducks, so last week i was on my way to work and i came across a mama duck and her newly hatched ducklings, and boy am i a sucker for cute things so i almost missed my bus watching them and feeding them my breakfast, which in case anyone cares was a bag of 100 calorie white cheddar popcorn (awesome by the way) also taking way to many pictures on my phone, and then today on my way home from the gym i spotted a lone duckling in the parking lot of the mini mall up my street waddling into an alcove where the dumpster lives, so being who i am i followed it and found the mama and her rapidly growing babies hanging out. i don't know what it is about ducks they just give me this serene feeling, in new york when i was really feling shitty i used to go to whole foods and by a loaf of san franciscan sour dough bread ( i loooooove sour dough bread) and head over to the duck pond in central park, climb on to a rock right next to the water and split the loaf with the ducks, i could spend hours there just watching them glide through the water, forgetting for a short time whatever problems drove me to binge on the carbs in the first place. today i had no food for the babies so i went home got some bread (hamburger buns) and returned to feed them and now no judgements please name them. there are 12 altogether including mom and while i do not know the sex of the kids i named them anyway, mama's name is beatrice and the babies are a s follows
1) ronald 2) calliope 3) milton 4) tibby 5) bernard 6) laney 7) samson 8) delilah 9) maurice 10) poppy [ she's the only yellow one] and 11) thomson. i know this might seem crazy but... if i were a bird i'd wanna be a duck and if i were a bug i'd wanna be a lady bug, cause who could hate a lady bug?

i wanna be a...

i wanna live in a movie. if i could have any power i would want the ability to jump in and out of stories, plays, movies, t.v. shows all of it, to jump into that world, to live like the characters i have come to love, people who don't truly exist but i wish they did... i would love to be bella for 5 minutes( but book bella not movie bella) or i dunno arwen riding to rescue frodo. i would pay money to be will turner's love interest or to answer the phone saying "empire records, open till midnight this is cristina" i'd even go through the civil war just to wear one of those dresses ( if you read this regularly then you are aware of my affinity for pretty dresses), maybe to live in central park sleeping around and singing about a boy called frank mills and injustice. to try and outsmart jareth and save toby or randomly break into song with my h.s. friends, how about spending my days in an amsterdam hash bar contemplating "the real", i mean who wouldn't want to spend an afternoon running through an enchanted forest with fairies playing tricks on you or casting spells in h.s. instead of taking math or p.e. it would be awesome to hang out on the bellafonte. or even being stalked by a disfigured serial killer music coach because he loves my voice (yah know for the adventure of it all) and i would love love love to spend eternity trying to make louie happy again. i guess i'll have to just reread and re-watch and dream about worlds far more interesting than my own. but at least now thanks to disney i  can at least visit one world in real life!

it's stupid and unfair !!!

so i woke up this morning in a unusually happy mood and it took me nearly an hour to figure out why, and once i did, that put me in a whole different kind of mood, not so much a "bad" mood but i guess i'd say perturbed. the reason i had been happy was i had a really great dream last night, the kind of dream where everything you want in real life comes true, all your desires both secret and not have magically come to pass... but it came true with the wrong person, i have spent a looooong time trying to get this person out of my head and while i can usually convince myself that i'm over it while i'm awake and lucid, when i shut my eyes, its a whole different story. he invades my dreams, gives me everything i think i want and then morning comes and its ripped away. so here comes the question... how do you get over someone completely, or how do you know if you should hold on to hope, even if there is only one in a million chance it will ever work out. i read a quote somewhere once that said " never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about" so what to do? there is another quote i have heard that i think applies " no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse. letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again." and that is the truest thing i've ever heard. i have this unrealistic notion of what love is supposed to be, i'm pretty sure it started from all the disney movies i used to watch until i sorta flipped it on it's side and that i blame all the  many many many television shows and movies that i tend to be drawn to, now while i had and sometimes still do have these fantasies about my "prince charming" my dreams where always quite darker than anything ever produced by the mouse. let's just say there was never a white horse or needing to be saved from an evil queen, it was more tragic and dramatic, intense and heartbreaking... it had to hurt to be true, along the lines of, well...my favorite show from when i was 11 was Buffy, my favorite shakespeare r&j,  i think that explains it all.

shattered dreams

so my world was shattered today, utterly and completely. my aunts are in from nyc and today we were enjoying the florida sun, sitting in the pool drinking pitchers of mojitos when my drunk grandmother lets slip a secret about my parents that i would do anything not to now know. i had this vision of them that is lost to me now, i feel like i was robed of my last bit of innocence, the part of me that believed i could find true unconditional amazing love because my parents had it. but no that's gone and i'm broken, maybe it was naive of me to hold on to this fairytale version of love that i had grown up with, but i needed it and now i don't know what to do...

achy

i have this achy feeling in the bottom of my stomach that i can't get rid of, its a mixture of loneliness + that feeling you get when you're a kid and you know you're gonna get in trouble + ? something else i can't quite verbalize let alone write or should i say type...i wonder if anyone reads this? i don't think so, no one cares. this odd feeling has been with me for months now, i can push it away for periods of time like a day or two but then it come back. it has led me to listen to the same song on repeat for like 3 days { like a star by corinne bailey rae} its strange, not the song that actually pretty, but the unending desire to listen to it continuously. i should go to sleep i have to be awake in 5 hours {that's 4am people} to go to work, fun times! but i don't wanna sleep. i really like this picture of me, i took it with my i sight camera on my laptop before it died. i like it because well 1) it doesn't look like me and b) it conveys melancholy which is an emotion i tend to live in. i even like that its grainy. i can't stop thinking about people who are no longer in my life, former friends and "special" friends etc. people who i wish i would just let go but cant seem to figure how to. it's a complicated feeling to both never want to see someone again but to also want so badly to talk to them you cant explain it. to worry about people who probably never ever thought or worried about you, even when you were apart of there lives. totally switching topics, now this may make me sound dumb but i don't care i can not remember ever which version of the word "there" i am supposed to use for sentences. also i can not for the life of me remember how to do long division...