quiet introspection

i was in a perfectly good mood less than 20 minutes ago, laying in my bed watching tv just fine. i got up to check some stuff on the computer before i went to sleep and now i am sitting here writing this because i can't get a few people out of my head. these people these male people are the last few men i had feelings for however fleeting or unwavering. 3 mostly over the last few years 1 was totally unimportant, so much so i probably wont remember his name in a few years the other more important he hurt me and his actions inadvertently caused the 3rd and the one that haunts me the one that makes me crazy because i can't just get over him, because i should have never fallen for him in the first place, because he was bad news from the moment we met and even threw our entire whatever it was i knew he didn't care and never would but i put that out of my mind because he was and is handsome and while we were together he was sweet to me he knew just what to say to me to make me need to stay even though i knew i should run. he took advantage of the fact that he knew i was hurt from the guy before. he made me think he could maybe care if i gave him time, he played me cause i am easy to read and i know it. i wear my emotions right out there for the world to see and those who know how to play me against myself do so. the worst part of all this is i can't even really be mad at him because i knew who he was from the first night we had drinks he told me who he was and what we were and i let him, i let him define me and that was my biggest mistake. and what kills me what really kills me is that i can't hate him because i'm pretty sure i love him and that he is the first person that i have really loved and even though i know there is no part of him that deserves my love, i also know if he asked me right now to try... i would without a second thought. how sad am i?

people always leave , peole always lie.

so i haven't written in a while, im not sure why, i'm also not sure why i am writing right now but i am i had the urge i guess. i had an encounter today with this sad horrible little *itch on my way home from work and it got me so mad, it took me like a half hour to calm down and when i did the emotion sorta morphed into something else, into this really odd feeling in my stomach that i cant figure out exactly what it is and haven't been able to shake it. sometimes i have these moments where it sorta like an out of body thing where i get a glimpse of my self threw others eyes and i wonder how they see me and it makes me wonder why the stick around cause im not sure why. and i am not searching for sympathy or for people to tell me how great i am and shit like that cause even if they did i wouldn't believe it anyway i have trust issues, they are weird but... i'll explain i have an issue with trusting too much too easily but then i also don't trust enough. like my friends, on the one hand almost all of them i gave my trust too easily and too early before i knew if they were good people or not but now that we have passed that i don't always trust that they really are my friends i am kinda always waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me, i always have this feeling that i am the butt of some joke that everyone even my best friends are playing on me and that at some point they are gonna let me in on it and inform me that the whole friendship was a joke. its not a fun way to spend your time, waiting for your world to shatter all the time living with the thoughts that everyone leaves and everyone lies.

...

i feel strange, i don't feel like my self and i'm not entirely sure why. i don't know if its this place that's changing me or if i just am, but i feel strange and i would like it to stop. i have noticed that i am great at giving advice, not only about my friends problems but about my own cause some of them are having really similar issues and i can impart fantastic advice to them but then i can't follow it... its dumb. i have these ridiculous tendencies to drag my self down to put my self in these funks, sometimes i think i might be bi polar. like i knew this guy a while ago and we kinda had a thing for a little bit and i have not been able to escape him, to let him go, its like he haunts me i think about him too much, at least twice a day no matter how hard i try not too, some random thing will happen and it will remind me of him in some 6 degree of separation way. its ridiculous and more frustrating that i can explain because i hate him except that i don't hate him i want to but i cant figure out how. i  should just delete him from my life but i cant even unfriend him on facebook it took me damn near 2 years to just block him and even with that i still check his page. its sad. i am sad and pathetic. he never cared about me for one single moment we were "together" the entire time he was cheating on his girlfriend with me and i knew it which makes it that much worse and me that much more pathetic. i even read the mans blog. i don't know what is wrong with me. if anyone has any advice i am all ears. i haven't seen him or really spoken to him in like a year and i thought, i hoped that it would just fade away that he would fade from my heart with time like its happened before, but he wont go away he just sits there staring at me from behind my own eyes mocking me.

a frog peed on me today!

so i have never been a girly girl, i have always loved lizards and frogs and i can deal with most bugs (except water-bugs mostly) i can not and i am serious, i will have an attack and die i get so worked up off of rats or mice they are my biggest issue... but getting back on track i find myself today with the same urge to chase lizards and things like i did when i was a kid. i have a very distinct memory of being 8 yrs old in costa rica at my great grandmothers house spending hours and i mean hours in like 130 degree heat chasing geckos because i was determined to catch one and take it home as my new pet, i had decided to name it wendel.i even remember that the day before we were going to leave i actually did catch one by the tail, i was so proud, that was until the gecko detached his tail and went running off and left me holding a wriggling tail in my hands, utterly shocked. so getting back to my point its 16 years later and i still have that same child like urge , a lot of the times its so strong i have to fight it and other times i give in like today on my walk home from work i caught 2 frogs a small frog and then a big one, the one who was so scared of the giant thing chasing him he peed on me! oh and i also like to name the things i catch! i can only imagine what the people driving by thought as the saw a woman scooting around in the grass hunched over trying to grab something in the middle of the night. but then i think who the fuck cares what the strangers think i wanted to play with the frog for a bit and i did if you don't like it... to damn bad!

8-12

i haven't written in a while and i'm sorta just free typing whatever thoughts pop into my head it is exactly 9pm right now on august 11th and in 3hrs it will be by birthday my 24th birthday and i am not exactly looking forward to it. i live in a city in a state that i hate without my friends or even the luxury to get f-ing plastered as i would like to my friends are in nyc right now some at work some at home others i have no idea what they are doing and then there are a few that are out at a bar right now enjoying themselves which is exactly where i wanna be. i have been helping a friend lately try and navigate her boy troubles and though i love being able to help her, it makes me kinda sad because i have no boy troubles, i have no boy. there is no one who wants to contribute to my melancholy. and talking to her brings up thoughts of someone i would rather not be thinking about. there is a guy at my job that i enjoy flirting with but it wont go anywhere past that and honestly i'm not even sure hes actually flirting now that i'm thinking about it, who knows! either way i'm not broken up about it, he makes me smile so i'll enjoy it while i've got it. i feel strange here, i don't know what it is about florida but i don't feel like me. i'm listening to my itunes on shuffle and "to zion" by lauryn hill just came on and god i love this song, i love this whole album i can imagine being an old lady with grand kids sitting them down and making them listen to this album and saying shit like "in my day this was music" and all those cliche things adults say about when the were young. i'm thinking about getting a tattoo of a pink elephant. i have just decided as i am home and in possession of a bottle of captain morgan i am gonna have a drink to me at 12am in celebration of my birth. i just went to retrive my bottle and found a birthday card from my grandmother taped to by door with $100 bucks in it, she is a neat old lady! this other song just came on its called "bloodstream" its by a band called stateless, and this song is so very very sexy, it makes me feel sexy just listening to it... it makes me feel good! i am gonna buy my self a pair of boots tomorrow as my present to myself, they are black and calf high and beautiful i have no reason to wear them in fl but w/e i want them! i know its only august but i am trying to decide my halloween costumes and the choices are killing me! i have become obsessed with my weight i weigh my self like 3 or 4 times a day. it's probably not a good idea but w/e. i just had the sudden urge to sing that kermit the frog song "its not that easy being green" i have no ides why, ooh and "the rainbow connection", jim henson was a genius! just my opinion! i have the strong desire to retreat into my childhood so i am gonna watch the many adventures of winne the pooh have my drink and go to bed as i have to be up at 7am to get to work on time

date? what's a date?

i've never had a real first date or a "date" in general, i mean i've gone to get drinks with people but i mean one of those you pick me up, i don't know where we are going, getting to know you convos, you drop me off, possibly awkward possibly awesome kiss at my front door yah know?
i feel like i missed out on like typical growing up things, i mean i spent my whole childhood watching television shows and movies about high school and i couldn't wait to go, i wanted to take home ec and i wanted to go to pep rallies and bonfires, dances in the school gym [sadie hawkins and what not] but that stuff just doesn't happen in nyc schools i mean we had dances but i can only remember 1 it was in the cafeteria and unless you had a boyfriend no one had dates. i want someone to plan something for m, i don't necessarily need our interaction to go beyond the date but just somebody to want to plan an evening would be nice.  someone take me on a date!!!!!!

gLeek

so unless you've been living under a rock you should know the fox show gLee it is amazing and i would love to live in a world like this, now let me clarify i would not like to be in high school again especially one where everybody hates me but i would be ecstatic if my world were a musical! now i can't sing to save my life, nor do i really wish to but i do have the urge to... on occasion break into  song to express my hurt, anger and sadness and even my happy moods. if life where a musical i'm pretty sure it would be one with an unhappy ending. but that's besides the point, the point is i have no idea what the point is. all i know is i wanna sing  songs that narrate my life, and i wanna have giant spontaneous choreographed dance numbers.