"friend"

i have trouble with friends, i am a very friendly person and i am quick usually too quick to label people as "friends" when they haven't earned that yet, then the inevitable happens, they prove that they weren't my friend and i am totaled. my friendships are so very important to me, sometimes i think the are all i really have as my familial relationships are, well in a word, lacking. right now i have 3 people i truly believe are my friends. i have others i call friend, but i am never sure. part of me is always waiting for them to get sick of me and leave. it's a fear i have had for many years, its almost a paranoia. this at times irrational fear that i am constantly the butt of a joke. that theses people who i believe care really don't and are just waiting for the opportune moment to let me in on it, to push me in the dirt, laugh in my face and let me know the whole "friendship" was a trick. i know it's strange but i have had this fear for a long time and i don't know how to be rid of it. every time i think i've made some progress and i've learned to trust more, to have more faith..., well last year i had gained some faith until two people who i had total complete unflappable trust that they would never treat me this way did and i was right back to square one. and while a few years ago i immediately would have spiraled out of control, this time i just go angry, really angry and i was for a while, but now the anger has subsided and all that's left is that i miss them, and i don't want to. i don't wanna miss someone that after years of friendship treated me like crap, but i do miss them and i guess i will continue too.