i'm done.

so i had this friend, we met in high school and from the moment we met it was like we had always been friends, it was weird. people would ask us how long we'd known each other we'd say months and they'd be shocked cause we grew so close so fast. jump ahead about 3 years later and she has a kid, a beautiful little girl whom i love so much, and our relationship changes, as it should have she was a mother now. so we couldn't spend hours on the phone talking about nothing or not talking at all just being on the phone with each other, cause it's nice to know someone is there even if its only through a phone line. but we persevered and we were still friends maybe better friends cause now our friendship revolved around "real" things and not just our teenage drama anymore. jump ahead almost 2 years and she has another baby, another little girl i cant get enough of. and again the friendship changes, we are drifting apart, she has to focus on her children and i understand so i go the extra mile to pick up the slack and keep the friendship going because she is important to me. but somewhere in all that extra effort i begin to feel unwanted and used and walked on. i do my best to push aside the feeling that i'm not wanted around that i'm annoying her with my presence but eventually it begins to eat at me so i start pulling away, and the fights begin. we fight about real things about stupid things, and then came the point where i couldn't take it anymore and walked away. it's been 6 or 7 months and for the first 5 i was pissed and had no real desire to fix it, i felt and sometimes still feel i shouldn't and won't beg anyone to be my friend, i'm not gonna chase anyone if we are gonna be friends we both have to want to. then one random day about a month and a half ago i get a message from her saying she doesn't know what happened with us and she misses me and love me and wants to talk. we did, it was awkward and uncomfortable but still apart of me that had been silent for a while was so glad to have her back, someone who used to understand me so well, knew how i thought and how i react to things the whole shebang, but it was gone as soon as it came. its been almost 2 months since that talk and though wary i've reached out 3 times and been ignored, so i'm done. i will always be glad for all the fun we had and all the things she helped me through all the jokes and experiences, but i can not and will not let anyone make me feel bad about myself, i do that well enough all by myself i don't need any help. so goodbye nicole, i really will miss you!