...

i feel strange, i don't feel like my self and i'm not entirely sure why. i don't know if its this place that's changing me or if i just am, but i feel strange and i would like it to stop. i have noticed that i am great at giving advice, not only about my friends problems but about my own cause some of them are having really similar issues and i can impart fantastic advice to them but then i can't follow it... its dumb. i have these ridiculous tendencies to drag my self down to put my self in these funks, sometimes i think i might be bi polar. like i knew this guy a while ago and we kinda had a thing for a little bit and i have not been able to escape him, to let him go, its like he haunts me i think about him too much, at least twice a day no matter how hard i try not too, some random thing will happen and it will remind me of him in some 6 degree of separation way. its ridiculous and more frustrating that i can explain because i hate him except that i don't hate him i want to but i cant figure out how. i  should just delete him from my life but i cant even unfriend him on facebook it took me damn near 2 years to just block him and even with that i still check his page. its sad. i am sad and pathetic. he never cared about me for one single moment we were "together" the entire time he was cheating on his girlfriend with me and i knew it which makes it that much worse and me that much more pathetic. i even read the mans blog. i don't know what is wrong with me. if anyone has any advice i am all ears. i haven't seen him or really spoken to him in like a year and i thought, i hoped that it would just fade away that he would fade from my heart with time like its happened before, but he wont go away he just sits there staring at me from behind my own eyes mocking me.

a frog peed on me today!

so i have never been a girly girl, i have always loved lizards and frogs and i can deal with most bugs (except water-bugs mostly) i can not and i am serious, i will have an attack and die i get so worked up off of rats or mice they are my biggest issue... but getting back on track i find myself today with the same urge to chase lizards and things like i did when i was a kid. i have a very distinct memory of being 8 yrs old in costa rica at my great grandmothers house spending hours and i mean hours in like 130 degree heat chasing geckos because i was determined to catch one and take it home as my new pet, i had decided to name it wendel.i even remember that the day before we were going to leave i actually did catch one by the tail, i was so proud, that was until the gecko detached his tail and went running off and left me holding a wriggling tail in my hands, utterly shocked. so getting back to my point its 16 years later and i still have that same child like urge , a lot of the times its so strong i have to fight it and other times i give in like today on my walk home from work i caught 2 frogs a small frog and then a big one, the one who was so scared of the giant thing chasing him he peed on me! oh and i also like to name the things i catch! i can only imagine what the people driving by thought as the saw a woman scooting around in the grass hunched over trying to grab something in the middle of the night. but then i think who the fuck cares what the strangers think i wanted to play with the frog for a bit and i did if you don't like it... to damn bad!

8-12

i haven't written in a while and i'm sorta just free typing whatever thoughts pop into my head it is exactly 9pm right now on august 11th and in 3hrs it will be by birthday my 24th birthday and i am not exactly looking forward to it. i live in a city in a state that i hate without my friends or even the luxury to get f-ing plastered as i would like to my friends are in nyc right now some at work some at home others i have no idea what they are doing and then there are a few that are out at a bar right now enjoying themselves which is exactly where i wanna be. i have been helping a friend lately try and navigate her boy troubles and though i love being able to help her, it makes me kinda sad because i have no boy troubles, i have no boy. there is no one who wants to contribute to my melancholy. and talking to her brings up thoughts of someone i would rather not be thinking about. there is a guy at my job that i enjoy flirting with but it wont go anywhere past that and honestly i'm not even sure hes actually flirting now that i'm thinking about it, who knows! either way i'm not broken up about it, he makes me smile so i'll enjoy it while i've got it. i feel strange here, i don't know what it is about florida but i don't feel like me. i'm listening to my itunes on shuffle and "to zion" by lauryn hill just came on and god i love this song, i love this whole album i can imagine being an old lady with grand kids sitting them down and making them listen to this album and saying shit like "in my day this was music" and all those cliche things adults say about when the were young. i'm thinking about getting a tattoo of a pink elephant. i have just decided as i am home and in possession of a bottle of captain morgan i am gonna have a drink to me at 12am in celebration of my birth. i just went to retrive my bottle and found a birthday card from my grandmother taped to by door with $100 bucks in it, she is a neat old lady! this other song just came on its called "bloodstream" its by a band called stateless, and this song is so very very sexy, it makes me feel sexy just listening to it... it makes me feel good! i am gonna buy my self a pair of boots tomorrow as my present to myself, they are black and calf high and beautiful i have no reason to wear them in fl but w/e i want them! i know its only august but i am trying to decide my halloween costumes and the choices are killing me! i have become obsessed with my weight i weigh my self like 3 or 4 times a day. it's probably not a good idea but w/e. i just had the sudden urge to sing that kermit the frog song "its not that easy being green" i have no ides why, ooh and "the rainbow connection", jim henson was a genius! just my opinion! i have the strong desire to retreat into my childhood so i am gonna watch the many adventures of winne the pooh have my drink and go to bed as i have to be up at 7am to get to work on time

date? what's a date?

i've never had a real first date or a "date" in general, i mean i've gone to get drinks with people but i mean one of those you pick me up, i don't know where we are going, getting to know you convos, you drop me off, possibly awkward possibly awesome kiss at my front door yah know?
i feel like i missed out on like typical growing up things, i mean i spent my whole childhood watching television shows and movies about high school and i couldn't wait to go, i wanted to take home ec and i wanted to go to pep rallies and bonfires, dances in the school gym [sadie hawkins and what not] but that stuff just doesn't happen in nyc schools i mean we had dances but i can only remember 1 it was in the cafeteria and unless you had a boyfriend no one had dates. i want someone to plan something for m, i don't necessarily need our interaction to go beyond the date but just somebody to want to plan an evening would be nice.  someone take me on a date!!!!!!

gLeek

so unless you've been living under a rock you should know the fox show gLee it is amazing and i would love to live in a world like this, now let me clarify i would not like to be in high school again especially one where everybody hates me but i would be ecstatic if my world were a musical! now i can't sing to save my life, nor do i really wish to but i do have the urge to... on occasion break into  song to express my hurt, anger and sadness and even my happy moods. if life where a musical i'm pretty sure it would be one with an unhappy ending. but that's besides the point, the point is i have no idea what the point is. all i know is i wanna sing  songs that narrate my life, and i wanna have giant spontaneous choreographed dance numbers.

ducks and lady bugs.

if i were a bird i'd wanna be a duck, if i were a bug i'd wanna be a lady bug. so...random statement i know, but it is what it is, and i really like ducks. this whole thing came across because having lived in new york city all my life the only birds i'm used to seeing on a daily basis are pigeons and sparrows also on occasion a seagull or two and sometimes and i mean sometimes cause i've only actually seen about 5 or 6 of them, them being falcons/hawks (i can't tell the difference) so anyway now as you might know i live in florida and in florida there are birds aplenty! i must have seen like 20 or 30 different types of birds already, today i saw a crane as i was leaving work stalking a gecko across the mall parking lot. and side note there are like no pigeons in florida i have been here almost 6 months and have only seen 1 and not a single sparrow, another side note when i was little i was convinced that sparrows were pigeon babies, and no one could convince me otherwise. but back to ducks, so last week i was on my way to work and i came across a mama duck and her newly hatched ducklings, and boy am i a sucker for cute things so i almost missed my bus watching them and feeding them my breakfast, which in case anyone cares was a bag of 100 calorie white cheddar popcorn (awesome by the way) also taking way to many pictures on my phone, and then today on my way home from the gym i spotted a lone duckling in the parking lot of the mini mall up my street waddling into an alcove where the dumpster lives, so being who i am i followed it and found the mama and her rapidly growing babies hanging out. i don't know what it is about ducks they just give me this serene feeling, in new york when i was really feling shitty i used to go to whole foods and by a loaf of san franciscan sour dough bread ( i loooooove sour dough bread) and head over to the duck pond in central park, climb on to a rock right next to the water and split the loaf with the ducks, i could spend hours there just watching them glide through the water, forgetting for a short time whatever problems drove me to binge on the carbs in the first place. today i had no food for the babies so i went home got some bread (hamburger buns) and returned to feed them and now no judgements please name them. there are 12 altogether including mom and while i do not know the sex of the kids i named them anyway, mama's name is beatrice and the babies are a s follows
1) ronald 2) calliope 3) milton 4) tibby 5) bernard 6) laney 7) samson 8) delilah 9) maurice 10) poppy [ she's the only yellow one] and 11) thomson. i know this might seem crazy but... if i were a bird i'd wanna be a duck and if i were a bug i'd wanna be a lady bug, cause who could hate a lady bug?

i wanna be a...

i wanna live in a movie. if i could have any power i would want the ability to jump in and out of stories, plays, movies, t.v. shows all of it, to jump into that world, to live like the characters i have come to love, people who don't truly exist but i wish they did... i would love to be bella for 5 minutes( but book bella not movie bella) or i dunno arwen riding to rescue frodo. i would pay money to be will turner's love interest or to answer the phone saying "empire records, open till midnight this is cristina" i'd even go through the civil war just to wear one of those dresses ( if you read this regularly then you are aware of my affinity for pretty dresses), maybe to live in central park sleeping around and singing about a boy called frank mills and injustice. to try and outsmart jareth and save toby or randomly break into song with my h.s. friends, how about spending my days in an amsterdam hash bar contemplating "the real", i mean who wouldn't want to spend an afternoon running through an enchanted forest with fairies playing tricks on you or casting spells in h.s. instead of taking math or p.e. it would be awesome to hang out on the bellafonte. or even being stalked by a disfigured serial killer music coach because he loves my voice (yah know for the adventure of it all) and i would love love love to spend eternity trying to make louie happy again. i guess i'll have to just reread and re-watch and dream about worlds far more interesting than my own. but at least now thanks to disney i  can at least visit one world in real life!