quiet introspection

i was in a perfectly good mood less than 20 minutes ago, laying in my bed watching tv just fine. i got up to check some stuff on the computer before i went to sleep and now i am sitting here writing this because i can't get a few people out of my head. these people these male people are the last few men i had feelings for however fleeting or unwavering. 3 mostly over the last few years 1 was totally unimportant, so much so i probably wont remember his name in a few years the other more important he hurt me and his actions inadvertently caused the 3rd and the one that haunts me the one that makes me crazy because i can't just get over him, because i should have never fallen for him in the first place, because he was bad news from the moment we met and even threw our entire whatever it was i knew he didn't care and never would but i put that out of my mind because he was and is handsome and while we were together he was sweet to me he knew just what to say to me to make me need to stay even though i knew i should run. he took advantage of the fact that he knew i was hurt from the guy before. he made me think he could maybe care if i gave him time, he played me cause i am easy to read and i know it. i wear my emotions right out there for the world to see and those who know how to play me against myself do so. the worst part of all this is i can't even really be mad at him because i knew who he was from the first night we had drinks he told me who he was and what we were and i let him, i let him define me and that was my biggest mistake. and what kills me what really kills me is that i can't hate him because i'm pretty sure i love him and that he is the first person that i have really loved and even though i know there is no part of him that deserves my love, i also know if he asked me right now to try... i would without a second thought. how sad am i?

people always leave , peole always lie.

so i haven't written in a while, im not sure why, i'm also not sure why i am writing right now but i am i had the urge i guess. i had an encounter today with this sad horrible little *itch on my way home from work and it got me so mad, it took me like a half hour to calm down and when i did the emotion sorta morphed into something else, into this really odd feeling in my stomach that i cant figure out exactly what it is and haven't been able to shake it. sometimes i have these moments where it sorta like an out of body thing where i get a glimpse of my self threw others eyes and i wonder how they see me and it makes me wonder why the stick around cause im not sure why. and i am not searching for sympathy or for people to tell me how great i am and shit like that cause even if they did i wouldn't believe it anyway i have trust issues, they are weird but... i'll explain i have an issue with trusting too much too easily but then i also don't trust enough. like my friends, on the one hand almost all of them i gave my trust too easily and too early before i knew if they were good people or not but now that we have passed that i don't always trust that they really are my friends i am kinda always waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me, i always have this feeling that i am the butt of some joke that everyone even my best friends are playing on me and that at some point they are gonna let me in on it and inform me that the whole friendship was a joke. its not a fun way to spend your time, waiting for your world to shatter all the time living with the thoughts that everyone leaves and everyone lies.

...

i feel strange, i don't feel like my self and i'm not entirely sure why. i don't know if its this place that's changing me or if i just am, but i feel strange and i would like it to stop. i have noticed that i am great at giving advice, not only about my friends problems but about my own cause some of them are having really similar issues and i can impart fantastic advice to them but then i can't follow it... its dumb. i have these ridiculous tendencies to drag my self down to put my self in these funks, sometimes i think i might be bi polar. like i knew this guy a while ago and we kinda had a thing for a little bit and i have not been able to escape him, to let him go, its like he haunts me i think about him too much, at least twice a day no matter how hard i try not too, some random thing will happen and it will remind me of him in some 6 degree of separation way. its ridiculous and more frustrating that i can explain because i hate him except that i don't hate him i want to but i cant figure out how. i  should just delete him from my life but i cant even unfriend him on facebook it took me damn near 2 years to just block him and even with that i still check his page. its sad. i am sad and pathetic. he never cared about me for one single moment we were "together" the entire time he was cheating on his girlfriend with me and i knew it which makes it that much worse and me that much more pathetic. i even read the mans blog. i don't know what is wrong with me. if anyone has any advice i am all ears. i haven't seen him or really spoken to him in like a year and i thought, i hoped that it would just fade away that he would fade from my heart with time like its happened before, but he wont go away he just sits there staring at me from behind my own eyes mocking me.

a frog peed on me today!

so i have never been a girly girl, i have always loved lizards and frogs and i can deal with most bugs (except water-bugs mostly) i can not and i am serious, i will have an attack and die i get so worked up off of rats or mice they are my biggest issue... but getting back on track i find myself today with the same urge to chase lizards and things like i did when i was a kid. i have a very distinct memory of being 8 yrs old in costa rica at my great grandmothers house spending hours and i mean hours in like 130 degree heat chasing geckos because i was determined to catch one and take it home as my new pet, i had decided to name it wendel.i even remember that the day before we were going to leave i actually did catch one by the tail, i was so proud, that was until the gecko detached his tail and went running off and left me holding a wriggling tail in my hands, utterly shocked. so getting back to my point its 16 years later and i still have that same child like urge , a lot of the times its so strong i have to fight it and other times i give in like today on my walk home from work i caught 2 frogs a small frog and then a big one, the one who was so scared of the giant thing chasing him he peed on me! oh and i also like to name the things i catch! i can only imagine what the people driving by thought as the saw a woman scooting around in the grass hunched over trying to grab something in the middle of the night. but then i think who the fuck cares what the strangers think i wanted to play with the frog for a bit and i did if you don't like it... to damn bad!

8-12

i haven't written in a while and i'm sorta just free typing whatever thoughts pop into my head it is exactly 9pm right now on august 11th and in 3hrs it will be by birthday my 24th birthday and i am not exactly looking forward to it. i live in a city in a state that i hate without my friends or even the luxury to get f-ing plastered as i would like to my friends are in nyc right now some at work some at home others i have no idea what they are doing and then there are a few that are out at a bar right now enjoying themselves which is exactly where i wanna be. i have been helping a friend lately try and navigate her boy troubles and though i love being able to help her, it makes me kinda sad because i have no boy troubles, i have no boy. there is no one who wants to contribute to my melancholy. and talking to her brings up thoughts of someone i would rather not be thinking about. there is a guy at my job that i enjoy flirting with but it wont go anywhere past that and honestly i'm not even sure hes actually flirting now that i'm thinking about it, who knows! either way i'm not broken up about it, he makes me smile so i'll enjoy it while i've got it. i feel strange here, i don't know what it is about florida but i don't feel like me. i'm listening to my itunes on shuffle and "to zion" by lauryn hill just came on and god i love this song, i love this whole album i can imagine being an old lady with grand kids sitting them down and making them listen to this album and saying shit like "in my day this was music" and all those cliche things adults say about when the were young. i'm thinking about getting a tattoo of a pink elephant. i have just decided as i am home and in possession of a bottle of captain morgan i am gonna have a drink to me at 12am in celebration of my birth. i just went to retrive my bottle and found a birthday card from my grandmother taped to by door with $100 bucks in it, she is a neat old lady! this other song just came on its called "bloodstream" its by a band called stateless, and this song is so very very sexy, it makes me feel sexy just listening to it... it makes me feel good! i am gonna buy my self a pair of boots tomorrow as my present to myself, they are black and calf high and beautiful i have no reason to wear them in fl but w/e i want them! i know its only august but i am trying to decide my halloween costumes and the choices are killing me! i have become obsessed with my weight i weigh my self like 3 or 4 times a day. it's probably not a good idea but w/e. i just had the sudden urge to sing that kermit the frog song "its not that easy being green" i have no ides why, ooh and "the rainbow connection", jim henson was a genius! just my opinion! i have the strong desire to retreat into my childhood so i am gonna watch the many adventures of winne the pooh have my drink and go to bed as i have to be up at 7am to get to work on time

date? what's a date?

i've never had a real first date or a "date" in general, i mean i've gone to get drinks with people but i mean one of those you pick me up, i don't know where we are going, getting to know you convos, you drop me off, possibly awkward possibly awesome kiss at my front door yah know?
i feel like i missed out on like typical growing up things, i mean i spent my whole childhood watching television shows and movies about high school and i couldn't wait to go, i wanted to take home ec and i wanted to go to pep rallies and bonfires, dances in the school gym [sadie hawkins and what not] but that stuff just doesn't happen in nyc schools i mean we had dances but i can only remember 1 it was in the cafeteria and unless you had a boyfriend no one had dates. i want someone to plan something for m, i don't necessarily need our interaction to go beyond the date but just somebody to want to plan an evening would be nice.  someone take me on a date!!!!!!

gLeek

so unless you've been living under a rock you should know the fox show gLee it is amazing and i would love to live in a world like this, now let me clarify i would not like to be in high school again especially one where everybody hates me but i would be ecstatic if my world were a musical! now i can't sing to save my life, nor do i really wish to but i do have the urge to... on occasion break into  song to express my hurt, anger and sadness and even my happy moods. if life where a musical i'm pretty sure it would be one with an unhappy ending. but that's besides the point, the point is i have no idea what the point is. all i know is i wanna sing  songs that narrate my life, and i wanna have giant spontaneous choreographed dance numbers.

ducks and lady bugs.

if i were a bird i'd wanna be a duck, if i were a bug i'd wanna be a lady bug. so...random statement i know, but it is what it is, and i really like ducks. this whole thing came across because having lived in new york city all my life the only birds i'm used to seeing on a daily basis are pigeons and sparrows also on occasion a seagull or two and sometimes and i mean sometimes cause i've only actually seen about 5 or 6 of them, them being falcons/hawks (i can't tell the difference) so anyway now as you might know i live in florida and in florida there are birds aplenty! i must have seen like 20 or 30 different types of birds already, today i saw a crane as i was leaving work stalking a gecko across the mall parking lot. and side note there are like no pigeons in florida i have been here almost 6 months and have only seen 1 and not a single sparrow, another side note when i was little i was convinced that sparrows were pigeon babies, and no one could convince me otherwise. but back to ducks, so last week i was on my way to work and i came across a mama duck and her newly hatched ducklings, and boy am i a sucker for cute things so i almost missed my bus watching them and feeding them my breakfast, which in case anyone cares was a bag of 100 calorie white cheddar popcorn (awesome by the way) also taking way to many pictures on my phone, and then today on my way home from the gym i spotted a lone duckling in the parking lot of the mini mall up my street waddling into an alcove where the dumpster lives, so being who i am i followed it and found the mama and her rapidly growing babies hanging out. i don't know what it is about ducks they just give me this serene feeling, in new york when i was really feling shitty i used to go to whole foods and by a loaf of san franciscan sour dough bread ( i loooooove sour dough bread) and head over to the duck pond in central park, climb on to a rock right next to the water and split the loaf with the ducks, i could spend hours there just watching them glide through the water, forgetting for a short time whatever problems drove me to binge on the carbs in the first place. today i had no food for the babies so i went home got some bread (hamburger buns) and returned to feed them and now no judgements please name them. there are 12 altogether including mom and while i do not know the sex of the kids i named them anyway, mama's name is beatrice and the babies are a s follows
1) ronald 2) calliope 3) milton 4) tibby 5) bernard 6) laney 7) samson 8) delilah 9) maurice 10) poppy [ she's the only yellow one] and 11) thomson. i know this might seem crazy but... if i were a bird i'd wanna be a duck and if i were a bug i'd wanna be a lady bug, cause who could hate a lady bug?

i wanna be a...

i wanna live in a movie. if i could have any power i would want the ability to jump in and out of stories, plays, movies, t.v. shows all of it, to jump into that world, to live like the characters i have come to love, people who don't truly exist but i wish they did... i would love to be bella for 5 minutes( but book bella not movie bella) or i dunno arwen riding to rescue frodo. i would pay money to be will turner's love interest or to answer the phone saying "empire records, open till midnight this is cristina" i'd even go through the civil war just to wear one of those dresses ( if you read this regularly then you are aware of my affinity for pretty dresses), maybe to live in central park sleeping around and singing about a boy called frank mills and injustice. to try and outsmart jareth and save toby or randomly break into song with my h.s. friends, how about spending my days in an amsterdam hash bar contemplating "the real", i mean who wouldn't want to spend an afternoon running through an enchanted forest with fairies playing tricks on you or casting spells in h.s. instead of taking math or p.e. it would be awesome to hang out on the bellafonte. or even being stalked by a disfigured serial killer music coach because he loves my voice (yah know for the adventure of it all) and i would love love love to spend eternity trying to make louie happy again. i guess i'll have to just reread and re-watch and dream about worlds far more interesting than my own. but at least now thanks to disney i  can at least visit one world in real life!

it's stupid and unfair !!!

so i woke up this morning in a unusually happy mood and it took me nearly an hour to figure out why, and once i did, that put me in a whole different kind of mood, not so much a "bad" mood but i guess i'd say perturbed. the reason i had been happy was i had a really great dream last night, the kind of dream where everything you want in real life comes true, all your desires both secret and not have magically come to pass... but it came true with the wrong person, i have spent a looooong time trying to get this person out of my head and while i can usually convince myself that i'm over it while i'm awake and lucid, when i shut my eyes, its a whole different story. he invades my dreams, gives me everything i think i want and then morning comes and its ripped away. so here comes the question... how do you get over someone completely, or how do you know if you should hold on to hope, even if there is only one in a million chance it will ever work out. i read a quote somewhere once that said " never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about" so what to do? there is another quote i have heard that i think applies " no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse. letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again." and that is the truest thing i've ever heard. i have this unrealistic notion of what love is supposed to be, i'm pretty sure it started from all the disney movies i used to watch until i sorta flipped it on it's side and that i blame all the  many many many television shows and movies that i tend to be drawn to, now while i had and sometimes still do have these fantasies about my "prince charming" my dreams where always quite darker than anything ever produced by the mouse. let's just say there was never a white horse or needing to be saved from an evil queen, it was more tragic and dramatic, intense and heartbreaking... it had to hurt to be true, along the lines of, well...my favorite show from when i was 11 was Buffy, my favorite shakespeare r&j,  i think that explains it all.

shattered dreams

so my world was shattered today, utterly and completely. my aunts are in from nyc and today we were enjoying the florida sun, sitting in the pool drinking pitchers of mojitos when my drunk grandmother lets slip a secret about my parents that i would do anything not to now know. i had this vision of them that is lost to me now, i feel like i was robed of my last bit of innocence, the part of me that believed i could find true unconditional amazing love because my parents had it. but no that's gone and i'm broken, maybe it was naive of me to hold on to this fairytale version of love that i had grown up with, but i needed it and now i don't know what to do...

achy

i have this achy feeling in the bottom of my stomach that i can't get rid of, its a mixture of loneliness + that feeling you get when you're a kid and you know you're gonna get in trouble + ? something else i can't quite verbalize let alone write or should i say type...i wonder if anyone reads this? i don't think so, no one cares. this odd feeling has been with me for months now, i can push it away for periods of time like a day or two but then it come back. it has led me to listen to the same song on repeat for like 3 days { like a star by corinne bailey rae} its strange, not the song that actually pretty, but the unending desire to listen to it continuously. i should go to sleep i have to be awake in 5 hours {that's 4am people} to go to work, fun times! but i don't wanna sleep. i really like this picture of me, i took it with my i sight camera on my laptop before it died. i like it because well 1) it doesn't look like me and b) it conveys melancholy which is an emotion i tend to live in. i even like that its grainy. i can't stop thinking about people who are no longer in my life, former friends and "special" friends etc. people who i wish i would just let go but cant seem to figure how to. it's a complicated feeling to both never want to see someone again but to also want so badly to talk to them you cant explain it. to worry about people who probably never ever thought or worried about you, even when you were apart of there lives. totally switching topics, now this may make me sound dumb but i don't care i can not remember ever which version of the word "there" i am supposed to use for sentences. also i can not for the life of me remember how to do long division...

rules

so i'm kinda disappointed, i met this guy at my job and thought he was cute. he didn't talk much so it took me a little time to get some info on him. now just so this makes sense i have some rules that go into me approaching a guy...

1. i would like him to be taller than me, but he has to at least be able to look me in the eye. i don't wanna have to bend to kiss him.
2. he has to be old enough to enter a bar, i tend to like them older than me but my age is ok.
3. i would like him to be outgoing, someone who likes to talk cause i love to talk and i don't wanna be having a one way conversation. (though this isn't as important as 1 and 2)

 i occasionally will overlook a rule maybe 2 if the situation warrants it but i can't do all 3. so the boy, he's short not like midget short but shorter than me and not exactly look me in the eye more like look me in the lip maybe nose. but i let it go cause i'm new here and he's just adorable. then there is the fact that he kinda has a silly name but that's not his fault so i overlooked it and actually came to think it was kinda cute. (he's named after a famous rock star from the 60's.) and then there is the fact that he doesn't talk much but that could be because we just met and he has to open up so again i overlooked it. but then i find out he's only 19, and that was it, i overlooked a lot here but that's the deal breaker. i can't do it i can't. so i'm back to square one.

behind the yellow door

i have a reoccurring dream, i have been having this same dream almost every year since 2001.  in the dream i am at home and i receive an invitation in the mail to a mental institution on randalls island in nyc. {i have no idea it's actual name i just remember always seeing the 3 big yellow buildings as we drove down the fdr.}  so anyway i get this invite to some meeting, it doesn't bother me or even concern me that this very vague letter wants me to go somewhere. i just decide with out much thought to go. so i travel to the institution with some random people i attended high school with and when we arrive we enter this really bright, extremely large high ceiling-ed room full of four poster canopy beds rows and rows of them all with white linens. there must have been hundreds and all of the beds were occupied by life size white statues of people. some were in the beds other just near them but the was a statue for each bed. i the far corner of the room was the only other living person a woman behind a desk sorting through papers, we headed toward her weaving our way through the aisles. we we finally reached her, i explained about the letter and she sent us through a door behind her, she instructed me to take the elevator to the bottom floor, alone. when we the next room was quite darker than the last and smaller lit by candles, also it was round. in the center of the room was a cylindrical cage elevator and a bench. i left my "friends" on the bench and took the elevator down. when i reached the bottom all i saw was a brightly lit hallway that appeared to be endless and lined with many many doors, all with brass knockers and numbered {but not in order}.  i looked at my letter and saw the number at the top and began looking for its corresponding door. eventually i found it, it was a yellow door with chipping paint that was hanging from it's hinges, barley even attached to the frame, though i was unable to see inside. so i knocked and a voice said come in. when i opened the door i was blinded by a wash of sunlight so bright i couldn't see anything for a moment, then it cleared and i was able to see a room filled with brightly colored furniture, oranges and greens and yellows {it looked like ikea exploded} and a man sitting facing both me and a high backed chair that was facing away from me, i knew someone was there in the tall chair though i couldn't see them at all. the man who appeared to be a doctor, a therapist i think, {he had a note pad an had been writing things down} welcomed me and then sort of just disappeared cause i didn't see him again. i stood there for sometime waiting for something to happen, when the tall chair began to spin toward me and i finally saw the person sitting in it. it was my mom. [so a little back story for those who don't know at the time i first had this dream my mom had been dead for 8 years] so she spins around in the chair and faces me, we stand in silence for a bit just staring at each other, both unable to speak. she is the first to break the silence, and she said as she walked toward me and hugged me "my baby, my little girl, look how beautiful you are." i stand there arms at my side not returning the hug still in shock as she continues to hug me and talk though i have no idea what she was saying. until i snap out of it and pull away to really look at her, she isn't how i remember her when i last saw her right before she "died", she is no longer ridiculously skinny and bald from chemo, but healthy looking and beautiful. i am crying now, hugging her, holding on for dear life. we talk for a bit though i don't know what about, and then comes the point when i get angry. i confront her about where has she been? how did she get here? what happened to her cancer? how could she do this to us? and why is she telling us now? i never got the answers to theses questions. we continued to talk but i again don't know what about. after a while she tells me its time to go,that i had to leave and she wasn't coming with me, that she couldn't. she kissed me goodbye told me she loved me and closed the door. i stood in the hall and stared at the door for a while hoping she would come back out, she didn't. i went home. i told my dad the whole story and he showed me his letter that he had just received, it was just like mine, he also showed me my sisters, and that where the dream ended with him holding both letters and us staring at each other in stunned silence.

i'm done.

so i had this friend, we met in high school and from the moment we met it was like we had always been friends, it was weird. people would ask us how long we'd known each other we'd say months and they'd be shocked cause we grew so close so fast. jump ahead about 3 years later and she has a kid, a beautiful little girl whom i love so much, and our relationship changes, as it should have she was a mother now. so we couldn't spend hours on the phone talking about nothing or not talking at all just being on the phone with each other, cause it's nice to know someone is there even if its only through a phone line. but we persevered and we were still friends maybe better friends cause now our friendship revolved around "real" things and not just our teenage drama anymore. jump ahead almost 2 years and she has another baby, another little girl i cant get enough of. and again the friendship changes, we are drifting apart, she has to focus on her children and i understand so i go the extra mile to pick up the slack and keep the friendship going because she is important to me. but somewhere in all that extra effort i begin to feel unwanted and used and walked on. i do my best to push aside the feeling that i'm not wanted around that i'm annoying her with my presence but eventually it begins to eat at me so i start pulling away, and the fights begin. we fight about real things about stupid things, and then came the point where i couldn't take it anymore and walked away. it's been 6 or 7 months and for the first 5 i was pissed and had no real desire to fix it, i felt and sometimes still feel i shouldn't and won't beg anyone to be my friend, i'm not gonna chase anyone if we are gonna be friends we both have to want to. then one random day about a month and a half ago i get a message from her saying she doesn't know what happened with us and she misses me and love me and wants to talk. we did, it was awkward and uncomfortable but still apart of me that had been silent for a while was so glad to have her back, someone who used to understand me so well, knew how i thought and how i react to things the whole shebang, but it was gone as soon as it came. its been almost 2 months since that talk and though wary i've reached out 3 times and been ignored, so i'm done. i will always be glad for all the fun we had and all the things she helped me through all the jokes and experiences, but i can not and will not let anyone make me feel bad about myself, i do that well enough all by myself i don't need any help. so goodbye nicole, i really will miss you!

next to normal

so last year my best friend took me to see a broadway show that he and his other best friend who also happens to be named kristina had collectively seen about 15 times and i am not exaggerating. it was called next to normal, it's a show about a family in crisis and mental dysfunction... the mother is the crazy one, her baby died 16 yrs ago and she has over the years hallucinated his aging process, till now she imagines him as a 17 yr old, its intense. i wish i was that kind of crazy. wish i could imagine the last 17 yrs of my life with her still here. but i can't even remember what her voice sounded like... anyway it was, is, will continue to be, amazing. the songs are so terribly powerful i can't stand it sometimes. i like to sit in the dark and listen to the soundtrack over and over, (is that strange?)  here is a list of some of my favorite lines from the songs.

• you're gone as of may,and there's nothing your paranoid parents can say. (everything else)
• my psycho-pharmacologist and i. call it a lover's game. he knows my deepest secrets. i know his... name! (who's crazy...)
• ooh, thank you, doctor, valium is my favorite color. how'd you know? (who's crazy...)
• they say love is blind... but believe me, love is insane. (who's crazy...)
• the sensation that you're screaming, but you never make a sound. or the feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground. (you don't know)
• you just don’t know who i am ( i am the one)
• i wish i could fly and magically appear and disappear i wish i could fly i'd fly far away from here (superboy and the invisible girl)
• catch me i'm falling, catch me i'm falling, faster than anyone should. catch me i'm falling, please hear me calling. catch me i falling for good. (catch me i'm falling)
• catch me i'm falling flying head first into fate catch me i'm falling please hear me calling catch me before it's too late (catch me falling)
• i'll wake alone tomorrow the dream of our dance is through but now until forever love i'll live to dance with you i'll dream my love i'll live my love and i'll die to dance with... (i dreamed a dance)
• i'm the light and heat of every sun, i'm a bullet from a magic gun, and i'm trying to enjoy it but i'm missing all the fun. (wish i were here)
• can i hide my stupid hunger, fake some confidence and cheer, 'wish i were here'? wish i were here. (wish i were here)
• i couldn't give a flying fuck what's normal we haven't had a normal day in years (seconds and years)
• catch me i'm falling, sinking and sprawling, maybe i'll let myself fall. watch me i'm falling, maybe the falling, isn't so bad after all, isn't so bad after all. watch me i'm falling, watch me i'm flying, somehow surviving. (catch me i'm falling (reprise))

nyc i miss u

i miss nyc, i moved away 4 months ago and i miss it everyday. i miss tall buildings. florida has very few tall buildings, it's all sky. i am surprised to say it but i miss the mta, i may cost an arm and leg, they maybe assholes but at least it runs 24hrs a day! i miss the lights at night, it's to dark here. i miss the endless slew of choices, if i don't like the barista in the starbucks i'm at in manhattan i can walk down the street and try another, here there is 1 starbucks and then another 6 miles away! i miss bars, the only bar near me is a biker bar called daisy dukes and... uh no! but most of all i miss my people, the ones that make me feel content and comfortable. i find myself saying "at home" or "in ny" 12 times a day. i am still glad i did this, i needed to live somewhere else for a bit. i do not enjoy walking here, i constantly feel like i'm gonna get run over, being that i have to cross over highways at least 3 times a day, and the cross walks are miles apart not to mention the fact that because almost all the streets are 4 way crossings, it takes 20 minutes for the walk sign to appear. the people here are nice enough, and i cant complain about the weather, but still...

"friend"

i have trouble with friends, i am a very friendly person and i am quick usually too quick to label people as "friends" when they haven't earned that yet, then the inevitable happens, they prove that they weren't my friend and i am totaled. my friendships are so very important to me, sometimes i think the are all i really have as my familial relationships are, well in a word, lacking. right now i have 3 people i truly believe are my friends. i have others i call friend, but i am never sure. part of me is always waiting for them to get sick of me and leave. it's a fear i have had for many years, its almost a paranoia. this at times irrational fear that i am constantly the butt of a joke. that theses people who i believe care really don't and are just waiting for the opportune moment to let me in on it, to push me in the dirt, laugh in my face and let me know the whole "friendship" was a trick. i know it's strange but i have had this fear for a long time and i don't know how to be rid of it. every time i think i've made some progress and i've learned to trust more, to have more faith..., well last year i had gained some faith until two people who i had total complete unflappable trust that they would never treat me this way did and i was right back to square one. and while a few years ago i immediately would have spiraled out of control, this time i just go angry, really angry and i was for a while, but now the anger has subsided and all that's left is that i miss them, and i don't want to. i don't wanna miss someone that after years of friendship treated me like crap, but i do miss them and i guess i will continue too.

fake blood!

so the other day my job sponsored a blood drive, and i decided to do a good thing a donate. now this is a big deal for me, if you know me you are aware i do not do doctors or needles or stuff like that. but i knew it was a good thing to do so i sucked it up and went. then the doctor man (who by the way would have been really cute if he had been like 2 inches taller) tells me i can't donate because my blood isn't good enough! (well he actually said my level was only like a 32 or a 34 and to donate it needs to be a 38) but  i'm just thinking that is so rude. i sat there for like a half and hour let them stab me twice answering all kinds of personal questions and i don't even get a free t-shirt or a pack of cookies, rude!

calling people daddy!

so lately i've been listening to the radio a lot which i usually don't do, but it helps the time pass at work, and i have noticed a lot of songs, sung by both men and women where boyfriends are being referred to as "daddy". in case anyone was wondering this practice is gross and nasty! it is bad enough that guys know to go looking for girls with "daddy issues" because they tend to be easy and slutty. we don't need to add to that with this icky practice. the word daddy is yes a term of endearment but its not meant to be coupled with sex, in my opinion. when i hear the word, i see little girls sitting on there fathers laps or playing tea party, not usher telling me to put my ass in the air and work a chair, and hoping that the neighbors will hear. fyi guys speaking as a girl with this problem, not all "daddy issues" can be solved with your penis!

malls after hours!

so for a long time i have had the secret desire to be trapped in a mall or a department store after hours, to be able to run around touching whatever i please while a funky sitcom music plays in the backround (i'm sure i got this idea from some teenagery television show though i don't know which one). and very recently i have had the opportunity, i have acquired a job at a MACY*S in a mall and i get to be in the mall when its closed but unfortunately its not fun it's a little creepy and there is no music!

all i want in life is a pretty dress

all i want in life is a pretty dress, for as long as i can remember all i've wanted is to be able to wear a great dress. i'm talking giant poofy victorian style dresses, like they wore in like the 16th century (for example) { i've been watching a lot of the tudors} to bounce around in yards and yards of the most beautiful fabric you could imagine, with the corsets cause while apparently they hurt and are hard on the breathing and the ribs, they make you look super skinny and your bosom ample {which i appreciate}. it's like impossible to look bad in a dress like that.

i

i know it's not proper spelling or grammar or whatever, but i like using lower case i's instead. i just think it looks better. { plus i like the dot ! }

i wish i was more creative

i wish i was more creative, i have this strong desire to paint and sculpt to take photographs to write to express my self but i can't. it never looks right or feels right my friend brooke told me once that she was sure i was creative that i was inside me i just had to find it, and at the time i thought it was really sweet, but i was never sure if it was true. i wonder what it means... i have all these ideas, i see the art in my mind, the painting or the photograph or whatever but these fleeting, passing visions never come to fruition. it's frustrating. sometimes i wanna write, i want to commit to paper the elaborate stories i come across in the back of my mind as i watch t.v. or day dream, but i never do. i think it's partly fear, but what do i know.

daydreamer

you know how some people are called "dreamers" well i think of my self as a "daydreamer" and an avid one at that. it's one of my favorite past times, i can be who i wanna be, have everything i want or secretly desire to happen happen its amazing. i frequently drift off into my own world where people who i love are still alive, friends that are no longer in my life are with me, people i want in my life but can't are with me and happy to be. i find that it's sort of like writing, directing, and staring in my own movies. i can be the heroine, i can be the damsel that needs saving, or i can be the villain ready to over throw the world. or my true wish a vampire [{side bar}]  i wanna make one thing clear i was obsessed with vamps long before the twilight craze, i happen to love twilight but i have had this obsession since jr. high. if i could i would live only in my dreams forever because there even when its bad its good!

instrumental music

i'm not sure why but in the last year or so i have come to greatly love instrumental music, i experience greater emotion when i hear it, my imagination runs free... i can see my self dancing on a breeze gliding with grace, that there is no way i could actually posses. i see my "true love" (they're different every time) happily together or miserably separated by circumstance, this music takes me into a world of my own creation, helps me escape my hum drum existence and live, if only for a short time in a world of my making. where my dreams don't always come true, but i feel alive.

?

i have issues, i know most do and mine are no more important or problematic than anyone else but they are mine and therefore in my world the most daunting thing i can imagine or think of and i think of them constantly. one of them is i am worried i'm driving my friends away because i can't deal with my issues so i whine to them about it and i know that they are sick of listening to me, i'm sick of listening to me so why wouldn't they be. i brood and dwell and it's frustrating and i can't even go into the real deep issue that fuels all the other ones because i'm afraid. i'm afraid to tell them how it really is afraid the will leave me that they'll turn away and i couldn't handle that. this past year i lost two friends who i thought would be there forever because they couldn't handle me, i have three left who i depend on and if they left...well it wouldn't be good. i have no one that i am truly honest with for fear what that honesty will bring about. not family or friends and even though i know i'm not alone i feel like it and...

Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpertation of romance day!

happy valentines day everyone! i hate this day, every year i am bitter and angry and jealous of all the happy people, i am that single girl who believes the day should be erased( that is until i'm no longer single anymore and then i am quite sure i will love it). i miss the days of anticipation, of candy and campy little drug store valentines that everyone got and no one got left out. now i feel like locking myself in my room and plotting how i can end the farce of "happiness" i wish i wasn't this way, lets be clear i'm not wishing for a relationship (though it would be nice) i'm wishing for the clarity to not be so bitter to be someone who just accepts my lack of a love life and lives without the anger on this day. its just that it is thrown in your face every store i go in is red and pink and with hearts and teddy bears and cupids and crap every where. so even though this year i actually tried to be less bitter than previous years i was entirely unsuccessful. though 1 high point i had today as i woke was in front of my bedroom door was a gift bag with some chocolates and a cheesy valentine heart and some knickknacks from my grandmother. so i guess that means she was my valentine this year. (is that sad?)

my new leaf

i want to be a new me, i have been working up to this for a long time and i think i've finally hit the point when you just know its time. i am sick and tired of the way i've been living so i am gonna change it. by taking better care of my body and my mind. for the longest time i have been unhappy with my appearance and my emotional state and i am done complaining about it with no follow through to fix it.

things that make me happy just cause...

so this one unimportant day i was walking home and it started to rain, i was walking past a house with a tin over hang above its drive way and i thought "i love the sound of rain on a tin roof" and that thought started this list


~the sound of rain on a tin roof
~the smell of fresh cut grass
~a deserted mountain trail
~an aged wood dock in the middle of a lake
~green nail polish
~instrumental music
~fire flies
~extra strength excedrin
~innovative theatre
~the feel of sand between my toes
~dancing like no one is watching
~chapstick that tingles
~real bloody marys
~people watching
~my a/c
~flip flops
~planes & airports
~gaffers tape
~deep conditioner
~sweedish fish
~tea light candles
~pens with purple ink
~aviator sunglasses
~walking in a storm
~picnics
~pumpkin iced coffee
~manis & pedis
~panties
~ dangly earrings
~elephants & giraffes
~the special tingle
~the sound of waves crashing against rocks
~the smell of summer
~ snuffy the snuffleupagus
~blue front doors
~pennies that only say one cent on back

there's probably more but i'm not sure of them yet !

driving

so i am gonna be learning how to drive soon, and i can not express how excited while at the same time frightened (not for my self but for others) i am. i am a nyc girl born and raised and being such a girl i never had the urge that most teenagers get at age 16...well i did get that urge, but the urge i am refferring to is the urge to drive to bug my father to let me get my permit, to buy me a car. when i was 16 all i wanted was for him to give me train fare. but now i live in fl and it is imperative that i drive and i'm nervous. i mean i can't even walk a straight line, i trip over my own feet and not only do i fall down stairs but up them as well (and that my friends takes a special kind of talent) . i mean it would and may well be great to have that kind of freedom, to own my own car and be able to pick up and go whenever i want. my only thing is though i want it to be purple!

my earliest memory

my earliest memory isn't actually a memory but a dream i had when i was about 3 years old. so in this dream i am running through this endless black void that is empty except for some railroad tracks and a red and yellow caboose that i am desperately chasing, as i am running away from a giant 40 foot lollipop monster. this monster is one of those lollipops you used to get in the doctors office when you were a kid after a shot, the ones that look like poker chips on a white stick and the taste like robitussin. well this one was the red kind and he (i'm assuming it was a he) had evil black eyes and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth, and his arms and legs were like his body, made of the white sticks. so i am running terrified for this caboose because i know if i can make it on i will be safe. but i cant reach it and i just keep running and running i assume forever as i woke up and don't know how it ended.

"out of sight, out of mind"

out of sight, out of mind. is a stupid statement it doesn't work or at least it doesn't for me, maybe because we are fb friends and i'm unable to un-friend you so i keep getting updates! or maybe its because i'm psychotic and delusional and cant let go...yeah it's probably that last one. i wish i could enjoy the memories and not dwell. its time i dont want to worry about people who obviously aren't worried about me, i need to stand up and take charge of my sanity and forget i ever knew you people!

he's just not that into you

so i know i'm late to the party, but as it turns out i usually am so i'm sitting at home on a saturday night, (aren't i fancy) and i just finished watching "he's just not that into you" and the stuff they said was so true i have just come to the realization that not one person i have liked or thought liked me ever really has. how sad is that? it's also pretty funny if you think about after your fifth beer. i mean i guess its not that big of a deal as i am only 23... but then i think that's only 7 years from 30 and 7 years is not that much time. i am gonna end up old and alone. but maybe i'm being melodramatic, maybe i'm being crazy and i have to stop trying to define myself by relationships or lack there of. maybe i should just enjoy my 20's care free. OR maybe i should drink enough alcohol to fill a vat.

"Transvestite Wives"

i was watching this show on the BBC last night about 3 english couples where the men in the relationships were transvestites and the women in there lives be it there girlfriend or wife had accepted them for who they were and stayed with them. this got me to thinking could i do that? am i opened minded enough that if my husband or boyfriend came to me in a wig and a dress i would be able to handle it and still love him the same way? i'd like to think so, i mean i am totally accepting of peoples rights to be whomever the wanna be, i'm bi, 2 of my best friends are gay. so why wouldn't i be able to. love should be unconditional and i'd like to believe that i would find the kind of love that means so much that i don't care who you are or what you do as long as we are together.

me and my "issues"

so about 2 weeks ago i picked up my life in NYC and moved to Florida. and at the time i thought this was the best thing for me, and maybe it is but right now i cant exactly see it. i am a runner and not in the put on some sneakers and go for a jog runner, come to think of it i dont even own a pair of sneakers...but anyway  i run from my problems always have and the problems i was running from this time are as follows
a) i have a large secret i am keeping from my family and don't know how to tell them
b) i am deeply infatuated with someone who doesn't want me
c) i don't always like myself
now these may not seem all that big but i swear they are, they consume my thoughts, there is not a moment that goes by that i am not dreading my family finding out, never seeing him again or if i do see him he will ignore me and the fact that i wish i was a totally different person.